I am having a hard evening and a good evening. I am restless, anxious, impatient, worried, excited, creative, overwhelmed...
I need to get going. I need to sit and be still and calm. I need to move and work and make progress. I need to listen to wind in trees and feel it on my face.
I'm feeling the panic and fear of getting left behind, by what I don't know as anything I'll be doing in the future is up to me to begin and to set pace.
I feel an overwhelming almost suffocating desire at the core of my heart to finally go for what I love and want but I feel I'm still fighting with my old way of dragging my feet and letting all the options and details and have-to's drown me.
I am on the edge of drowning in all of it and it makes me gasp and become frantic.
I need to carve out some space and sit. I want to sit. and think. and plan. and plot. and list-make. and rummage. and dream. and cross off. and pack up. and make. and create. and sit some more.
Tonight I found this, and it's hitting my core. The timing is perfect.
I will be spending some time there i think.
I found there things I have held on to for a while in myself and things I've recently discovered in my heart and brain. It's validating and exciting and connecting and encouraging and motivating. Kindred hearts and lives. Similar places for many and that is comforting and exciting.
Tonight I unsubscribed from about half the blogs in my google reader. Tomorrow the other half (or nearly so) may go. Then I'll move onto my e-mail. then the kitchen, then my gift list...
i need to remove so many distractions and time eaters and mental clutter.
Then, after the immediate holiday fun and business, I will take some days to sit in a clean white space and dream. I'm looking forward to it. Oh I don't do well with waiting for beginnings.