but i have had kind of a heavy contemplative few weeks. I've felt a bit stuck, trapped, somehow on pause. I have several things on the horizon, all looming just out of reach but I know they are coming. Things that will take some effort, some bravery, but have the potential to be so close to the heart of me that I can't stay safe and still any longer so I'm going to go for them.
But I'm in a place where there are too many unfinished bits and too many threads that need careful untying before it will be a good time for moving on. I want to be a bit reckless and selfish and just go, just get on with these things I want. But then i remember that these connections and responsibilities do matter to me and that a bit more time and waiting and carefulness is ok.
it's not going to last much longer. just a few months more i think. then on to pursuing the things i have always felt guilt for wanting, silly for dreaming of, too inadequate to try.
I'm hopefully going to go to cooking school in a few months, I'm going to spend more time on my creative endeavors, we're working on the possibility of moving to Amsterdam so learning a new language or two is in the works. After cooking school I'm going to see what kinds of internships I can get in as many different restaurants as i can.
There are so many possibilities and ideas and directions i can go that it almost overwhelms me. Some weeks it's hard to make it to the weekend. The wanting change and seeing it so close makes the hard bits of the here and now almost unbearable. one more week of feeling like the majority of my days don't belong to me. one more day of spending hours on things that drain me. one more morning of getting up and doing nothing that excites me or lights my heart. just one more, one more, one more...
but not much longer i think. I have spent too many years letting life be dictated by some unspoken duty to be something i should be, staying away from what i want from fear or some strange subconscious thought that I'm not the sort of person who could actually succeed and only the truly extraordinary and beautiful and talented are allowed to pursue things like that.
i feel like the past few years have been moving in this direction. all that i am and have discovered about myself has made me aware of those strange beliefs and given me fire to actually try. and now it's time to try.