11.18.2010

so i don't get serious on here very often...

Mmmmm

but i have had kind of a heavy contemplative few weeks. I've felt a bit stuck, trapped, somehow on pause. I have several things on the horizon, all looming just out of reach but I know they are coming. Things that will take some effort, some bravery, but have the potential to be so close to the heart of me that I can't stay safe and still any longer so I'm going to go for them.

But I'm in a place where there are too many unfinished bits and too many threads that need careful untying before it will be a good time for moving on. I want to be a bit reckless and selfish and just go, just get on with these things I want. But then i remember that these connections and responsibilities do matter to me and that a bit more time and waiting and carefulness is ok.

it's not going to last much longer. just a few months more i think. then on to pursuing the things i have always felt guilt for wanting, silly for dreaming of, too inadequate to try.

I'm hopefully going to go to cooking school in a few months, I'm going to spend more time on my creative endeavors, we're working on the possibility of moving to Amsterdam so learning a new language or two is in the works. After cooking school I'm going to see what kinds of internships I can get in as many different restaurants as i can.

There are so many possibilities and ideas and directions i can go that it almost overwhelms me. Some weeks it's hard to make it to the weekend. The wanting change and seeing it so close makes the hard bits of the here and now almost unbearable. one more week of feeling like the majority of my days don't belong to me. one more day of spending hours on things that drain me. one more morning of getting up and doing nothing that excites me or lights my heart. just one more, one more, one more...

but not much longer i think. I have spent too many years letting life be dictated by some unspoken duty to be something i should be, staying away from what i want from fear or some strange subconscious thought that I'm not the sort of person who could actually succeed and only the truly extraordinary and beautiful and talented are allowed to pursue things like that.

i feel like the past few years have been moving in this direction. all that i am and have discovered about myself has made me aware of those strange beliefs and given me fire to actually try. and now it's time to try.

6 comments:

  1. Trina, I learned the hard way that you must be master of yourself. Listen to others' advice, but don't necessarily heed it... I hope you get out of this slump soon. I know how you feel, and I am sure I will again! :-)

    PS- You were the only one who knew who I was talking about! Emily Howard! HAHAHA! You rule.

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  2. You will rock cooking school!!!

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  3. thanks guys. :) this last couple days has been so good for me in picking apart and really thinking and analyzing myself and this upcoming change.

    i have been doing a bit more thinking about the whole thing and realized that when i feel hesitation about moving forward I often have the same unnameable feeling in the pit of my stomach. so after writing this i just sat for a while trying to figure out what it is.

    i figured out it's a feeling of intrusion, inconveniencing people, and of being a nuisance. Some strange subconscious thought that if I'm not going to be the next insert hip-super-popular-übersuccessful crafter/portland chef, then I'd just be intruding on the people already doing these things. So out of my desire to not inconvenience or trouble others, I start feeling like i shouldn't move towards progressing my crafts and cooking.

    it's not fear i won't succeed, worry that i won't be super good at either, or desire to be the "top" (in fact i would never want to be a super "successful" or popular chef/crafter. I don't want the added pressure to be something I'm not or do amazing inventive new unique things. i just want to be me and do a good job at that).

    It's not worry that the people in my life would be inconvenienced, they are all so very supportive and excited for me. It's weird worry that the people in the fields I'm wanting to delve into would be put out and i'd be intruding or inconveniencing them. Like I don't belong if I'm not going to be "x" thing so i shouldn't barge in on the party.

    It's all that stuff from growing up that i thought I had pretty much put out of my life years ago that apparently still has a hold deep deep down in my brain. I think some of it's also the good old "strength in excess" thing. Caring for others, being able to tune into to people/situation moods or atmosphere, desiring to keep peace and being a person people can feel safe and heard and cared about... all good things and can be so wonderful. But then take those traits to an extreme and I over compensate and begin to feel responsible for everyone else. I have always felt the need to be out of the way, make sure everyone else is ok and well and taken care of, and disappear into the wallpaper.

    Once i figured out and named what it was i feel like it's going to be so much easier to realize i am feeling it (it's been so subconscious i haven't even really noticed it much or been able to identify i'm feeling it when i do) and then squash it down and keep going. It's not something that is true, and even if there are people who do feel that way, tough. My life is not to be dictated by fear or control or others insecurities and desire to be elite. I know my heart and want to follow my joy and passion and excitement and interests... :)

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  4. This was beautiful to read, hearing so honestly about your decision to pursue your real interest and about the waiting beforehand. Also - Amsterdam! Nice. :)

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  5. ah! cooking school and amsterdam! both sound amazing, and right up your alley.
    'tis the season for these kind of feelings it seems (as i and some other friends have been feeling quite similar). although it sounds like you already know what to do :)

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