It's a quarter to one and i can't sleep. I feel emotionally weird. All anxious and tired, not just physically. I have been put into a lot of new places in recent months. New job, new friendships, new daily schedule, new realm of making and selling, the awkwardness of changing and ending friendships... It's all just made me feel stressed and awkward and brought out all sorts of insecurities i thought were on their way out of my life. They say change, even positive change, will do this to you. Get you all stressed and out of sorts.
It's spring and i want to clean and purge and move. I always get restless in the spring. I start to feel claustrophobic in my skin and surroundings. I look at apartment rentals online, organizing stores and websites with organizing tips, recipes for cleaning supplies, decorating blogs and magazines, martha stewart spring cleaning and organizing lists. I start refashioning cupboards and closets and drawers, i rearrange rooms, devising plans for cleaning out the basement and changing the colors of the walls. I get almost unable to do anything cause i get so overwhelmed with what i feel needs to get done.
I get insomnia cause my brain won't shut down at night. Whirring around all the things making me feel insecure, all the things that need to be cleaned, all the places i want to live, the paint i want to put on walls or take off, the things i want to sell or get rid of to replace with other more efficient things, the people that give me stress, the ones i want to know better, the ones i wish i could get away from, the noises outside my window.
Spinning scenarios of people that make my head hurt, the people that make my heart soar, the people i just don't know what to do with, the situations i have been in that i handled badly or think i handeled badly, the things i said that came out wrong, the things i didn't say that i wish i had said, the things i'd say if i had the courage and wisdom to confront the people who have legitimately hurt me in a mature way that would help them understand and learn and grow, the people that i just wish i could just let have it with out guilt or conscience butting in, the times i was an absoulte dork and made everyone feel awkward cause i lost all sense of my social skills, other people's perceptions of me from things i have written or said that are not an accurate and full pictures of me, things i can not change and things hope i can...
Lately I have been thinking about having friends and how I just about feel ready to just become a hermit, with Dave, but other than that a hermit. I dream of moving away to Paris, learning french, learning to dress, learning to cook, learning to paint, but never really making friends. I'll have lovely acquaintances with the waitress at the cafe i go to all the time, the clerk at the store i buy groceries, the woman who is always at the bus top at the same time as me, the man who lives in our building, the child i see in the park every week. But other than those familiar smiles and head nods i won't have a friend in the world besides dave and the cats. No more me being a dork and so awkward that i'm avoided or fear that i will be, no more being let down or letting down, no more having a friendship drift apart and feeling guilty and obligated to force a connection where there is no longer one, no more loosing connections you still wish we with you, no more learning new personalities and learning how to be around them in hard times, how to help them, how to love them, how to let them be.
But at the same time i really do want friends. Just a few good, calm, peaceful, uplifting, fun friends. Friends who do as much for our souls as we do for theirs. Friends who we enjoy being with. Friends who we share interests with. People who have range in thoughts and moods and interests but still are calm and peaceful to be with. When you get to the end of spending time with them you don't feel the need to hide and recuperate from emotional exhaustion. And people who live in the same country/state/part of town as we do. :) easy, natural, good, healthy connections, that are what they are for the time they are meant to be.
I'm tired of being around drama. I am 29 and no so far from teens and early 20's that i don't remember how constant drama feels or so far that it doesn't still creep up in my own mind... But i am far enough from it that i realize that i don't like it, i don't want to be a part of it, that it is mostly pointless and annoying and that I'd really rather be around people who are also far enough from it that they have a lot more peace in life cause they are a bit more grounded in who they are. I like being around people who are just more centered. I like being around grownups. People who's definition of them selves does not waver based on the social tension at the moment or the opinion or mood of those around them. People who don't subconsciously make others feel insecure and judge them because they are insecure.
i think i just need to decompress. I think i need to purge. I think i need to write down the things i do know about my self and God and life just so i can look at them and get back closer to center. Remember all the things God taught me about me while i was in Lithuania. the things He taught me since we've been back. Remember the positives, truths, yeses...
I think i needed to vent and get that all out of my brain.