ever have one of those times where your life and maybe the lives around you just feel huge and maybe a bit hopeless or just overwhelming in their messiness? I have been having such a time this past month or so. Granted some of this just comes with the Trina territory. I am melancholy and emotional and compassionate, and tend to take on burdens that are not mine to carry, but still i have really had a heavy heart lately. that causes in me a lot of lethargy and inward thinking, awkwardness in social settings, lot's of sleepless nights because my brain won't turn off...
when i'm like this i oscillate between loving humanity and creation and hating it and feeling so apart from it.
I have been writing this post for about 3 weeks now. I write some, then leave it, then come back. Seems like in all the muddiness in my heart and mind words are just not coming like they usually do. This is all very jumbled and flitty, rather than linear and concise and flowing. My head is very jumpy, scattered.
I miss the cool quiet calmness of fall. I miss the rain. I miss peace. I miss having others in life with Dave and I that we can be calm and quiet with. People who we don't have to be anything other than what we are at the moment. We never like to have many friends at one time, we are not built for lots of relationships, but the few we did have seem to be either moving in life or in mind to other places.
I miss them but you know, really, i am fine with that. I miss it and long for it some but strangely at the same time, am good with it and don't feel any out of place disjointed despair over it. I don't like to strain and fight against change and moving in relationships. I have experienced it enough to realize that it's supposed to be that way and it's really freeing and beautiful and right for things to change and move and be different.. People grow differently, life takes you all over. Somehow fighting and lamenting and resenting the changes and losses in relationships to me cheapens the beautiful things you experienced in the friendship. So i'm all for moving on and letting your self follow where God leads. But i will mourn it and that is right and beautiful too.
Then there are the people we do have some connection to or some time with.
Some of it is seeming very surface and full of fear. Like people are all holding themselves away from each other. Just enough to keep safe something they think is too dear or too dark to share but not so far that anyone could really have anything concrete to accuse them of holding back.
There are those in our lives having hard times and not really knowing how to get through it. Or those that are getting through it but no one knows what to do around them while they progress or are impatient for them to be "normal" again.
There are those mourning the loss of an assortment of things and it's hard to watch and not try to fix it for them. To love them the best you can, which is inadequate at best, and let them go through it and figure it out because you know that the figuring it out produces the most beautiful results.
I guess what i really am desiring right now is some quiet and some peace for everyone who is feeling tumultuous and muddled and confused, including myself. I want some slowing of mind and deepening of breath. I'm feeling like people i know or are remotely connected with are flailing and panicking and stumbling in dark places right now. And that makes me feel some despair. It will pass, and getting out what i'm feeling, processing it, definitely helps me.