angry, hurt, mad, crying, hopeless, dark and bleak, feeling so deeply that I have no words to describe it all. I'm sorry if this is full of strong emotion and it makes you uncomfortable. No, I change my mind, I am not sorry if it makes you uncomfortable. This is the closest I can come in words to what my heart is feeling.
Shit shit shit shit shit!
I am not a happy girl.
Do you remember the blog I wrote a while back about the girl that walked into my house? Well if not go read it and this will make sense.
So now today I have received a subpoena.
Here is my dilemma... I do not think that she is purely some sort of innocent victim. What she did was wrong, it caused hurt to people, hurt to her self, it's destructive behavior. She should face the consequences of her actions. She needs to face them and hopefully get help to stop the things she is doing to hurt herself and others. she has to get some healing.
But she is a human. A fucked-up-just-like-the-rest-of-us human. How far am I from the line she has crossed? How many days does the weight of the world and sin and brokenness and the seemly infinite space between me and God get so burdensome and threaten to crush me so that I want to escape? How many times does it seem better to be numb than to feel any more? How many times do I find my self in a place that I don't want to be in, don't even really know how I got my self there, and do all that I can to escape it and not have to deal with it. How many days do I let fear take control? That fear and wanting to run is so memorable to me that I can feel it well up in my chest and taste it on my tongue. I haven't had to deal with it for a while but It leaves an impression. Think about it for a moment, i bet you can feel it and taste it too. You know it like you know your reflection.
How can I not testify when I saw a couple of people being taken away in an ambulance with neck braces? How can i not help them receive justice? How can i not be part of their healing? How can I not be a part of the consequence for the girl. How can I not let her feel the weight of her choices if it could possibly open her eyes to what she is doing to her self and how it effects others?
How can i testify against a girl who I just want to love and hug and show Christ to? Christ didn't stone the adulterer even though the law said that is what she deserved. How can I condemn her for being broken? How can I be part of the side that is telling her she is a bad guy when nothing in me believes that? I don't know what to do. How can I get out of this and still help her.
Damn them for calling me to testify! Damn the entire justice system for being black and white and having no grace! Damn the girl for coming to my home and being a real person. Damn the fact that this is not black and white!
I don't know what to do or how to help. This is fucked up! I am so mad and hurting for her right now and hurting for those people and just want Christ to come back and make us all better. I am so tired of this whole shit world.