12.05.2005

feeling... i dunno

Hmmm. so this is the most i have ever journal-ed in my life. Usually it lasts about a month or maybe two and not much gets said. It is late and i was home with a migraine today. Tonight my love and I went out for some thai soup and tea to help me feel better and now we are home. he's working on homework and teagan is slowly disappearing behind the couch cushion as he relaxes more and more. the heater is doing a good job so it's really warm and cozy in the living room. Cheryl is sleeping peacefully in her room.

Our dear friend Cheryl moved in with us this weekend. We really love it. for us there is a really peaceful thing about having others in our life. Especially living with us. the connection and the community you get is like no other. It helps with Cheryl too that we all lived in Lithuania for a year. Granted it wasn't in the same house but still that year brought a community experience like no other. And the growth she and i and dave all experienced that year was very similar. it is so good to have her here. to sit in the living room talking about everything. Our frustrations, our questions, our wading though life stuff. Makes the heart lighten at the heavy stuff.

On the other side of my mind is some other things. real hard questions. Trying to figure people out. trying to figure out how it is that I get something major in how to live, but I can't really pass that along so that other can own it too. I want everyone to get it, living as a whole, not feeling a deadness at living in pieces. I write about it, live it, breathe it, try to share it, all as best as i can. I feel finally on the way down the road after years of packing my bag and figuring out the best way to take them with me. Oh and figuring out where I should be headed to, and how i should get there. so now I am going. realising that the road is in front of me and it will changes as I go the end will find me but I have to move. The bags that I found thrust in my path.... I saw them all there and figured they were mine and that you couldn't possible go with out them. their contents were essential to the journey. But oops now I have opened them... Not much of what is contained is mine. So now I'm walking along and as i go sorting through it all, littering the roadside with the strangers belongings. Looking things over feeling like maybe the objects I hold in my hand have some importance, like if I don't hold on to them I may mess everything up, but eventually realising they are useless trinkets having meaning for someone but not for me, or are just harm and weight given me and not wanted. So I chuck them. can't stay in one place to sort it all, that would be wasteful of the daylight. feels good to throw a thing away and have it pass behind me dead in the ditch and me keep moving ahead. Then i'm not tempted to pick it up again, second guessing my self at it's obvious uselessness and worn out state.

Hmmm, I am getting really weird about writing with these funny little word pictures. Find myself doing it more and more.

So I guess what is really running around in my brain is this idea of a whole complete life. I am experiencing and pursuing a life that fits all together. God is everywhere, lighting my eyes. The world around me, every moment I am in is mine. You can't separate God from that. Even if I don't actively feel or look at Him, He is there. looking back on a day or hour or week I can see that. I have stopped freaking out. I know he is there and faithful. Slow down and breathe. I've stop worrying about how well I know Him or pursue Him or make sure I am aware of Him. When i stopped trying to evaluate and force my self into some sort of God-relationship-discipline I actually began living. Living with Him at every moment. I got settled into my skin, my personality, I saw how God was always at work in me and in others. It was NOT dependant on how well i was at reading, praying, looking for Him, spending planned out time with Him. Not because i was or was not doing those things but because I was spending all my emotional energy feeling pressure to do them, guilt at not doing them, excitement that i was doing them, freaking out all the time.

God's working in the world is not dependant on me.

woah.... that sounds scary to me as i write it. Am i being un-biblical? He uses me, I know He does. He chooses to use me, but is His using me or working in the actual tangible micro portion of the world I live in dependant on my and how i do things? I don't really think it is. this make me feel free to just go. Go live and breathe and love. Now I do not feel so weighed down by the possibility of mistakes, it frees me to trust him more than i ever have, it builds my faith in Him because it makes Him quite suddenly grow from the size of me to a towering power, a-la genie coming forth from a bottle. i can go along living life now. stop freaking out. I know God is big and powerful and not stopped by anything. God is not about me. I did not make him. I actually know these things now and they make me happy and light and free.

I think i just now realised that was not how i lived or thought. i used to say those things but instead of actually owning them in my heart, i held them like some sort of guilt weight inside. they were this twisted guilt-truth telling me I was nothing and doing nothing right. God was big and powerful and lording over me with disapproving shaking of the head and gloomy looks. he was calling me to to a life i though i was not allowed to have because i didn't do the right things. I didn't spend special set apart time with him, i did not have enough bible verses memorised, i did not get joy and power-boosters from attending church, i didn't have enough scripted conversations with un-believers. If I could just get these things down and as second nature, then this beautiful freedom light filled life would open up to me. there was this thing in me that felt like failure and dark grey sluggishness inside. It wasn't that he was holding anything back from me, I didn't have to earn it it was mine for the taking. God was not making me do these things to get this life. I felt it was supposed to just happen to you once you believed. these things would give you the things God held in front of you. So it wasn't that God was making me jump through a hoop or anything it was all me. My fault for not loving the things that were, in my mind, supposed to come second nature. I figured i just didn't love God enough. Or something.

I think I have run out of brain power. I think this post stops in a funny place but that is all that will come out of my brain at the moment. yup, time to sleep.

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