11.15.2005

My heart will break, and out will come all the passion locked inside.

So on rotation at this moment is Johnny Cash AND Sarah McLachlan. Great for a melancholy spirit. I have been weighed down by the hurts of the world. I also have been enraptured by the colors and air and smell of fall.

I have been thinking tons about a portion of my community. a portion that have been hurt and estranged from love. A love that I have, that we the church supposedly have and live for. Where is it? I really don't see it. I hear you say, in the safety of the stone thick walls, that we love them, that we do these thing out of love. But if I, who "belong" here, who feels at the very least inconspicuous inside the walls, can't understand the connection between the words and actions, HOW WILL THEY? HOW!!!!! I am so frustrated and sick and desperate. It brings up the deepest emotions and so many questions.

So much tearing apart of the pat answers and things drilled into my brain. So much reflecting on how i have believed and acted and sat in the muck of not thinking but just answering. i have wasted so much time feeling a disconnect in my heart about questions and answers, but afraid not to have the answer right then that I just gave the one I had heard and knew was accepted. The ones that would allow me to slip into the sea so no one would look shocked that I don't know what I think or don't agree with what had been said even though I don't have a well thought out bible verse laden answer ready to combat with. How dare i oppose if i don't have all the answers. You may not oppose if you can't beat me in a debate. You must bow to the greater more large worded answer.

I am sick from the thought that person, that ME that was so crushed under the weight of the love trying to burst from my heart. The me who was to afraid to be not pleasing to the authorities before my eyes. To have people think i was wrong or not a good christian, or think I was rebelling and had no truth in me. That I was worthless and stupid. I was worthless and stupid. i have allowed that fear and desire of acceptance run love so deep into my heart that it is now screaming to be released. I did not love. i did not accept blindly people because I though if I did people would accuse me of being one of them. Losing my focus, swayed by sin. becoming complaisant and relative. I WILL NOT ANY MORE. GOD HELP ME i don't want to be that person any more. I want to know your love and safety so tangibly that i can love a person wallowing in their own brokenness and not fear that I will want what they have. Show them love so they can not deny that I was loving them. Not in words but in actions. I want to be delighted in any persons true joys and weep in their deep sorrows, even if those joys and sorrows don't come from a life with you. You didn't fear them and neither do I want to any longer. You looked at people who lived lives that we would shun and despise and you ate with them and loved them and saved them from physical death all with out mentioning their dirtiness before you did. You loved UNCONDITIONALLY FIRST, for the sake of loving because you wouldn't be true to who you were. It would not have brought any Glory to the Father to. It wouldn't be possible for you to do anything contrary to your self. Why do I think you want me to shun the sinner, the broken when you example on earth did no such thing.

You said to love. Over and over and over... love me, love me, love me, love them. Love covers, love heals, love saves. love doesn't do so begrudgingly wanting what they have or the attention they get, love doesn't love to feel good about it self, love will suffer forever for you to get it, it is kind and gentle, doesn't even think of evil, in fact it's not even remotely threatened by it. You can see love because it is beautiful. Love doesn't care what it gets from you, it doesn't get angry and defensive or threatened by anyone not returning love or being angry with it. You will rejoice with deepness when someone learns truth, but will be patient and kind and humble till they get it, it, WITH HUMILITY, if you are loving them. Love will stay no matter what. Love always looks for the good and hopes all good for it's object. It will never leave you alone. It's just love, pure, simple, straightforward, and stronger that anything. If we believe that love comes first, then why do we support things that say otherwise?

Why do we believe that to go to another culture and show them love we must learn the culture, love the culture, love people JUST AS THEY ARE, realising that they hold to a different set of rules, beliefs and believe something else to be truth, but not if it's our own city. Not if it's a group that holds a completely different set of "rules and truths" here, out my door. Why will we look at people raising children on a foreign culture for the purpose of showing that culture our God, our love, we don't think twice about that culture effecting them or teaching them "wrong" things? but we use that as a reason for battle. Why do we treat people as our enemy here. they hold that view to damage our all powerful God. They are trying to hurt Him, make Him disappear from our culture. They are attacking us. We must save the King. Fight for the King. Beat them all down. Then they will come be on our side and we will win.

Where did God ever say fight for your rights? Fight for your right to worship me openly and in front of others! When did he say all have sinned and are a slave to sin but certain sins don't make someone a slave to it, they choose it and wield it as a weapon over your heads so kill it. When did he say fight for your definitions of things. Fight to make the laws reflect what i say is true even if the land you are in doesn't agree or understand. that is the first thing you must do so they will understand love. You do it for their own good. if you do that first then you can love them closer than a paper, ballot, TV Commercial, banner... You must fight for me because your faith is threatened to become illegal and I will disappear. Love alone is not strong enough to spread, I am not strong enough to make my self know where I want and to whom i want if you don't fight everything around you. That shall be your first objective. That shall be WAY more visible to every one than your down and dirty in the muck loving of real people. The ones so messy and disgusting in your eyes you can hardly stand it. i hate sin so you must not touch any one loving their sin, or feeling hopeless to fight it. Those people you shall not touch or look at or do anything but discuss them and help them with out having to really get near them. Because it is way more important that you make the laws, or you may not be able to love them later. Love is not strong enough to fight it's way out of a government that doesn't reflect it. They will be lost with out the laws. I don't ever want to be so consumed with my rights that I spend more time energy and thought on that than on who can i next love.

I believe you are big enough to be God no matter what my country or city tells me. I believe you are strong enough to make it so people can know that whether or not the place i live says what I know is true or right or legal. i know that you are not threatened by anything thrown at you. Nothing can change who you are or what you do. You can not be over thrown. And i believe you can keep putting people in my life that you will connect me to and them to me, and I will be allowed to love them and they will see you no matter what the laws say or the society believes. don't get me wrong, I enjoy being able to say i love you out loud, and to own a bible with out fear, go to a place with others and love you together. Sing my lungs out because my heart is bursting with how amazing you are. But i will not spend ANY energy fighting for those things if it takes me out of a place where I can love others, truly, purely, with out a second thought of who they are.

I know this is going to be taken as brazen and impulsive or too passionate or not thought through well enough, but I don't care. If I don't start asking these questions of my self and saying the things that scare me I will never stop dying inside. If I don't let my heart speak, raw and real, I won't ever work these things out. I will just just become useless and lead others along with me. I hope this makes you think. Please think. please pick apart your life and your automatic answers.

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